


if you're lost you can look and you will find me

by zanykingmentality



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Growing Old Together, Growing Up, Implied Sexual Content, Post-Canon, borrows from both the books and the movie, the angst is very slight though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 16:05:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17811140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zanykingmentality/pseuds/zanykingmentality
Summary: Ten moments in a forever.Peter dedicates his heart, his soul, and the rest of his life to Lara Jean.





	if you're lost you can look and you will find me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [neverendingdream](https://archiveofourown.org/users/neverendingdream/gifts).



> dedicated to val for putting up with my writing bs 
> 
> we were in a soft mood last night so i vowed i'd finish this fic before the sun came up. the sun is up but i am finished so that's what counts i think. since i finished the last tatbilb book last night (so many feelings) i wrote this and mixed a lot of things from both the books and the movie. 
> 
> unbeta-d as usual but spellchecked! please forgive any lingering errors! enjoy~

**i.**

 

Looking back on it, Peter might have always been a little bit in love with Lara Jean.

 

He remembers an assembly in sixth grade like it’s yesterday; long, dark hair caught in the folds of a chair. His fingers itch to free each strand and run his fingers through the girl’s hair, but he decides that’d be too weird, and he doesn’t want to make a bad impression on the first day.

 

Friends aren’t hard to come by, but _true_ friends are. Nevertheless, he finds them in John Ambrose McClaren and Trevor Pike, two nerd boys almost as obnoxious as he is. He doesn’t miss the soft way McClaren looks at Lara Jean Song-Covey, but he files that away in the depths of his mind. For future reference, of course. After all, he’s been told he makes those same eyes at Gen.

 

(Gen is just… different, though. _Being_ with her is different. It’s less like a friendship and more like an ownership, sometimes. But only sometimes.)

 

Maybe this is when their love story begins: a kiss in someone’s basement. Peter should remember whose it was, but all he can think about is Lara Jean’s mouth on his ― a quick peck, sure, but it leaves electricity tingling along his spine and his fingertips. One more soft, quiet look at him and Lara Jean bolts.

 

That’s okay, he tells himself. He’ll get his chance later.

 

(He does, but that’s not until much, _much_ later.)

 

.

 

**ii.**

 

High school is very different from middle school. McClaren moves away and Peter joins lacrosse ― not football, though he thinks about it very hard ― so he has new friends. The only one from middle school he stays in touch with is Gen, because they’re dating.

 

Still, he can’t exactly disregard the way his eyes sometimes follow Lara Jean Song-Covey through the hallways as she walks arm-in-arm with either Josh or Chris or both. They’re not conspicuous ― they don’t stand out ― but Peter finds himself watching them anyway. There’s one occasion where Lara Jean meets his eyes and gives him a shy wave, one that he finds himself returning with a raise of his hand. Even then, he looks at her with stars in his eyes.

 

Junior year is when things start to change. Junior year is when Lara Jean jumps him and kisses him out of _nowhere._ Junior year is when Gen dumps Peter for some asshole in college who claims to have a foot-long dick. Of course he’s met the guy.

 

Junior year is when Peter feels complete, all-encompassing love for the first time.

 

It’s actually while he and Lara Jean are briefly broken up. They say absence makes the heart fonder, but his heart just _aches_ ― to be near her, to _feel_ her, to kiss her on the mouth like he’s been dreaming of for months. Peter wants her so much he almost feels like he’s _dying_ ― almost. It’s like someone’s ripped out an artery just enough so the heart keeps functioning, but every breath is a struggle, every night drawing strength to his weary bones takes longer and longer.

 

So when she marches up to him with a letter in her pocket, he is elated.

 

Well. First he’s confused. That hot tub video was anything _but_ tasteful, and he imagines it’s still on her mind. But still ― he gives the letter a once-over, then a twice-over, because he can’t believe his eyes. Lara Jean thinks he is worth it. Lara Jean thinks he is wonderful.

 

“Were you just going to leave without giving me this?” he asks. Lara Jean just bites her bottom lip. It’s tantalizing, and Peter almost impulsively presses his lips against hers. He doesn’t have to wait long, though; in the car, Lara Jean boldly presses her lips to his, and he can’t help the smile that breaks splits his face in two.

 

Right then, Peter vows to himself: he will not let her go.

 

.

 

**iii.**

 

The whole long-distance thing is tough. Peter scrawls love letters in his free time, then mails them to UNC, where Lara Jean will no doubt meticulously pry each one open and commit the words to memory. Any thoughts of her not being as invested as he is have dissipated; after everything they’ve been through, Peter would be a fool to let insecurity take the wheel in this battle.

 

The scrapbook Lara Jean made him sits proudly on his desk, announcing to all the world that he is hers and hers alone.

 

And then he’s thinking about that night, the one where Lara Jean had told him she _wanted_ it, she wanted _him,_ not to say goodbye but because she _loved_ him. Suddenly Peter’s crying again; he didn’t cry when his dad ditched graduation, he didn’t cry when he and Lara Jean were apart, but now he’s undone, thinking about a girl three and a half hours away who loves him more than anyone has ever loved him before. And he knows the words he said to her are true: he will _never_ feel the same about anyone else as he does for Lara Jean Song-Covey.

 

So even though his days are filled with workouts and training and lacrosse and studying and he barely has time for anything else, he still writes these letters about college, tucks them in cute stationary that reminds him of her and mails them off to UNC, where she can pore over his words like an English teacher does to Edgar Allan Poe.

 

“Pete, you comin’ to the Delta Epsilon frat party tonight?” his roommate asks. Normally, Peter would say yeah, give him a minute; but tonight, he has other plans.

 

“Can’t tonight,” he says. “I’m calling my girlfriend.”

 

His roommate just shrugs and leaves.

 

The phone rings twice before Lara Jean picks up. “Peter!”

 

“Covey!” he says back with twice the enthusiasm.

 

They catch up on their lives. Hearing her voice, no matter how far away she is, makes Peter remember what he’s doing everything for. It makes him remember Lara Jean.

 

(As if he could forget, even if he tried.)

 

.

 

**iv.**

 

They move in together a year after they graduate college. The apartment is small and the rent is cheap, but Lara Jean’s thrown some accent pillows and string lights around, so it looks like a room you’d find on Pinterest. And for the first time, they get to share a bed.

 

Peter and Lara Jean have had sex before. It was once when Lara Jean was visiting home from UNC, and Kitty was at a friend’s house, and his mom and Owen were out shopping. They were all alone in the house, and Lara Jean made the first move ― Lara Jean told him she was ready. It was beautiful and romantic and only made Peter love her even _more_ if that was possible.

 

But now ― now it’s different. There is no mom or dad or siblings they have to be careful of. There is only the neighbors, and they’re out almost all the time, so it’s a non-issue. They break in the bed the hard way. (Wink, wink.)

 

Lara Jean works at a bakery, small and quaint in bustling downtown. Peter works at the local gym a few blocks away. They meet up for lunch every day, and go home together. It’s a new routine, but Peter really likes it. Especially because he’s with Lara Jean.

 

They’re in the park way after dark when Peter drops to one knee.

 

.

 

**v.**

 

All wedding preparations had been plucked from Lara Jean by Kitty, of all people, so Lara Jean sits to the side while Kitty and Dr. Covey discuss practicalities. Peter sits off to the side with Lara Jean, twisting a lock of her long hair around his finger. He presses a quick kiss to her forehead; she blushes and scrunches up her nose like a cute little rabbit.

 

On the day of the wedding, Peter can’t stop fidgeting with his sleeves. At this rate, his cufflinks are going to be old and battered by the end of the night. Still, when he takes his place at the altar, he can’t help but feel quaking nervousness in the pit of his stomach.

 

It’s not because he’s having second thoughts ― god no. It’s because he knows that once he takes Lara Jean’s hand and says _I do_ he will have her for forever. He’d already planned on that, but marriage and the whole ceremony makes it feel so momentous, so beautiful.

 

Then she takes that first step down the aisle, and Peter forgets how to breathe. After a beat, his lips curve into an easy smile, the one he always wears around Lara Jean Song-Covey. By the end of the night, she will be Lara Jean Song-Kavinsky. The thought of her taking his last name makes him giddy with excitement. Of course, he’ll still call her Covey. No one can take that from him. From _them._

 

Dr. Covey hands Lara Jean off to Peter, they say their vows, and everything is right with the world. Chris flew up to congratulate them and ended up staying for the service. Margot has tears in her eyes; so does Kitty, but her hands are on her hips like a proud artist showing their brilliant work to the public. Even Gen is there, mellowed out with her avidly religious boyfriend. She even smiles a few times.

 

John Ambrose is there too. For once, Peter doesn’t feel even remotely threatened. John’s clasping hands with his own wife, and Peter’s getting _married_ for Christ’s sake. Ten years ago he would never have seen this coming.

 

Or would he have? He’d always liked Lara Jean, at least a little bit. He’d fallen head-over-heels when he’d really gotten to know her, when he’d learned all the eccentricities that made her so adorably quirky.

 

In this moment, Peter thinks: he has never been more ready for anything in his _entire_ life.

 

.

 

**vi.**

 

The first child is _hell._

 

Neither Peter nor Lara Jean sleep for _weeks,_ submitting to the every whim and fancy of their newborn girl. They name her Eve ― after Lara Jean’s mother. One particularly stressful night, after Peter’s just rocked her back and forth for the better part of an hour until she fell asleep, he falls into bed next to Lara Jean and says, “I feel lucky.”

 

Lara Jean hums in response. “I do, too, somehow.”

 

Peter cups her cheek and runs his thumb across her rosy skin. “It’s weird.” He kisses her swiftly and falls asleep. The last thing he sees when he drifts off is Lara Jean’s serene smile.

 

.

 

**vii.**

 

Their second child comes in August, four years later. It’s a little boy ― they name him James after one of Peter’s college lax bros who’d gotten hit by a car and miraculously survived. This time, they know the drill. Peter’s new job as a bouncer lets him take care of the kids during the day while Lara Jean goes to work, and she takes care of them at night.

 

This new routine leaves Peter feeling empty ― as though he’s not seeing his wife enough. God, his _wife._ After so many years of knowing her and loving her, he still starts at the fact that Lara Jean is his _wife._ He broaches the topic one night at dinner.

 

“I feel like we’re growing apart,” Peter says. It sounds so different from how he usually talks. Lara Jean even raises her eyebrows and leans forward, immediately recognizing this is something Peter is serious about.

 

“Work is hectic,” she agrees. “And the kids…”

 

“I know,” he says.

 

“We can have dinner together every night,” Lara Jean suggests. “It’s a start.”

 

An overwhelming urge to kiss her breathless pounds through Peter’s veins. So he does.

 

.

 

**viii.**

 

The final child comes two years later ― a baby girl. They name her Stormy, after the larger-than-life Stormy at Belleview retirement home. Now, Peter’s making it big on YouTube, and Lara Jean is rising through the ranks at a new bakery, and really, everything is good.

 

Peter is such a mother hen.

 

Lara Jean is the stricter one. She follows Margot’s example and implements rules like _no TV after nine_ and _you must finish your food before you can leave the table._ Peter is the most involved dad Lara Jean has ever seen; he goes to PTA meetings with cookies that she baked and makes sure their kids are making friends. “Who knows?” he says one day. “Maybe one of them will have a story like ours.”

 

Though they’ve fought about so many things ― Peter’s work, Lara Jean’s absences, differing opinions, what rules are best for the kids ― but when all’s said and done, Peter would do anything for Lara Jean and his kids. He would _give_ anything for them.

 

.

 

**ix.**

 

By now the kids are starting to move out. Peter’s bones ache more with every passing day, but the one thing that does not change is the way he looks at Lara Jean: with stars in his eyes, like she is the answer to everything he’s ever searched for.

 

He goes to the gym and works out, and surprisingly, Lara Jean comes too, taking the slower but still intense runs on the treadmill. Peter lifts weights and runs alongside her. They both need to take care of their bodies, after all.

 

Then they’ll take a shower together. It’s not necessarily sexual, but it serves to remind Peter about everything he’s worked for, everything he’s _fought_ so hard for. Seeing warm droplets in Lara Jean’s graying hair gives him a flash of nostalgia so intense he _has_ to scoop her up into his arms and nuzzle his nose into the crook of her neck like he always does. Lara Jean giggles into his hair. Peter wishes he could bottle the sound and take it with him wherever he went; but he doubts he’d need it, since he doesn’t plan on ever being apart from Lara Jean.

 

She reads books to him until her voice goes hoarse, and he sings to her. Old love songs, mostly, especially _Let’s Stay Together_ by Al Green ― their song. It has been since high school. Their kisses are no longer long and passionate, but short and sweet: little pecks that remind them how long they’ve been in love.

 

Peter can’t imagine any world in which he does not grow old with Lara Jean. Any alternative universe that doesn’t have them together is invalid. He’s confident that, even if things hadn’t turned out the way they had, he would have found his way to Lara Jean eventually, and she would’ve found him. For almost as long as he’s known her, Peter has been Lara Jean’s.

 

“What fictional couple do you think we’d be?” Lara Jean muses.

 

“Spiderman and Mary Jane,” Peter says automatically.

 

“You’re just saying that because you still have that Spiderman costume from high school.”

 

“It still fits!” Peter protests.

 

Lara Jean laughs and cuddles in closer to his side.

 

.

 

**x.**

 

Lara Jean is the first to go.

 

Peter sends her off with tears in his eyes, but he does not cry until he gets home. The house is empty ― all the kids have moved out and have their own lives by now. He lasts for ten months after she’s gone.

 

In the back of his head, he hears Eve’s tear-stained voice: _I’ve never seen anyone love someone as much as Dad loved Mom._

 

When he opens his eyes he sees light. He is young again, spry, ready to take on the world. As he takes a step forward, Lara Jean greets him.

 

‘Til death do us part ― and long after that.

**Author's Note:**

> guys i'm so soft 
> 
> if you wanna talk about the books or the movie or both or just anything in general hit me up at my [tumblr](http://zanykingmentality.tumblr.com/)


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